As far as I remember, I was always fascinated by death. Not in a weird way…But no one could explain to me what’s waiting for us after we pass to the other side. As a teenager, I was a deeply troubled inside. I couldn’t see meaning in what I was supposed to strive for. If was going to die one day, what was the point? When I was 18, I took my mom’s bottle of sleeping pills, hoping that the “other side” was better than the reality I was living in.
I felt a huge hole inside and nothing, nor drugs or food could fill it. It was only when I turned twenty and left the rehab that my life started to make some meaning. I met a guy, I fell in love and started practicing Buddhism, hoping that he will notice me. I imagined that he would reciprocate my feelings and visualized that and when it happened, I was so excited that someone likes me that I didn’t realize how “unhealthy” the relationship became as it progressed.
“Be careful what you wish for,” my mom used to say and I can’t agree more. Looking back at the situation, I realize that sometimes we should accept that some things are not supposed to happen. Instead of pushing them, we have to learn to accept that whether it happens or not doesn’t matter in the end. Things will only happen if you’re supposed to learn something from them and grow.
Death is such a profound experience for those who remain that one can’t express it in words.
When my father-in-law passed away, I felt sad for my husband and his family. I felt that no one can help him, that there is nothing I could do and that no matter what I say, he would have to go through it himself.
What surprised me, was how disconnected I felt to the “rat race” we’re going through every day. I can’t stop asking myself if what I do on a daily basis makes a difference. Do I change/improve someone else’s life? When I am on the deathbed, will I think about my work, my colleagues, and this blog? Is this all meaningful?
Some people may consider this depressive. I, on the other hand, feel more connected to reality than most people around me. In order to “progress” in life, people forget how finite their life is. We believe that getting the house, the car, the position we covet, will make us happy. I love my husband and my daughter and at the same time, I now that one day that will all be gone. It’s the fact. There is nothing I can do about it. Everything that was created is impermanent. I believe it’s good to be aware of it.
If you think about death as a fact of life, you may learn to enjoy every moment you get. Not to expect that things will stay the way they are. What’s conditioned will change. Life is like a river, it’s a flow. And we’re like a boat that has to follow it. You may not like it. You may not agree with it. And yet, all you can do is accept it. And the sooner you’ll do that, the sooner you’ll profit from the moment that’s just in front of you.
